What now?
Three weeks ago today I
submitted the last two pieces of coursework for my degree. In a heady
rush of adrenaline I handed in my 10,000 word dissertation and then
spent almost six hours in the library completing my final assignment.
I had expected to feel some kind of climatic closure to my time as an
academic but, alas, as yet it has not come. This may be, in part, due
to the fact that I have to wait until the end of June to find out
whether or not all my hard work has paid off. I have managed to push
my pending grades to the back of my mind for the most part, however,
there are moments where I am almost consumed with the thought of
them.
To be completely honest
I feel as though I am in a state of flux. I have finished my degree
but I do not have the confirmation of what the last three and a half
years have amounted too.
Of course there is also
the fact that for the last seventeen years of my life I have had the
status of being a student in some capacity. Now I find myself faced
with the fact that in September life will simply just carry on as it
has been. No longer will my year be punctuated with the start of a
new semester, preceded by the gloriously geeky adventure of buying
new stationary and an investigation into the modules I will be
studying. I have bathed in the pools of academia and now I find
myself cast out of those waters.
In short, I may be
having a slight identity crisis.
English Literature has
been the basis of my identity since I can remember, books have laid
the foundation for the way I live, think and behave since an
extremely tender age. The decision to study English Literature came
about purely because I was not ready to let my life as a student go.
I did not go to university with dreams of a leaving with a first and
a high flying career already secured. No, I went to university
because learning is something that I love to do. Whilst I have done
my fair share of moaning about the work load and the essays assigned
to me over the last three and a half years, in hindsight, I have
thoroughly enjoyed every single moment. It is always hard to
appreciate something whilst you are in the moment. It is not until
you can sit back and evaluate moments or periods of your life that
you realise how much you have grown as a person. During the more
difficult lectures and whilst writing the more arduous assignments I
sometimes questioned whether I was clever enough to be on the course.
It is only when taking part in conversations and whilst trying to
explain complicated theories to family and friends that I realise I
have learnt quite a lot and that as well as learning, I have actually
understood a large chunk of it (not Derrida though, never Derrida.)
So. I now find myself
looking back at the last three and a half years of my life and asking
myself the same question.
What now?
You see I do have plans
for my life. I want a nice house, a lovely wedding, two children.
Those have always been on my lists of future plans. Something that
has not featured so heavily is the career that is going to allow me
the house, the wedding and the children. The reason for this is
because I don't really know what I want to do. I have flitted between
teaching, librarianship, marketing, recruitment; a whole plethora of
career paths. To be honest, a part of me doesn't feel old enough or
experienced enough to be contemplating a career. The word sounds so
grown up and I do not feel like a grown up.
Luckily I have a part
time job at the moment and I know that I am under no pressure to jump
straight into a career straight away. At the moment teaching is the
path that has the most pull. I am thinking of gaining a qualification
as a teaching assistant in the next few years which could possibly
lead to me applying for a PGCE qualification.
Those ideas are not set
in stone. It is just something I am thinking about. The first thing I
need to do is gain a grade C in Maths and I shall be applying for a
college course that starts in September. I am setting myself small
targets in hope that those small steps will help me carve out a
larger plan.
The problem I have is
in the not knowing. I am the type of person who likes to have a plan.
Whilst I have a job that will keep me tiding over for a while, the
uncertainty of what I will be doing in a few years leaves me feeling
a little nervous.
So I guess the answer
to the what now question is that I need to relax for a while. I have
just completed a degree, a stressful endeavour and I possibly deserve
a bit of a break. Until I receive my classification in June I shall
have to reside in this state of flux and carry on planning for a
future that is still a little way off.
When it comes down to
it so long as I am happy, I guess that all that matters.
